On a recent trip to Africa, Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton made a comment about the 2000 Presidential election, during a stop in Nigeria--a country known for its propensity toward corrupt elections.  The point she was trying to demonstrate was even in the most democratic of countries there can be disputed election results.  However, democracy can still endure even when confronted with such a flawed election, even for the highest office in the land—without an attempt to correct the dubious election results by the violent overthrow of the government.  However, the following comments were far milder than the subsequent Republican “brouhaha” would suggest, "Our democracy is still evolving", the secretary of state told the crowd. "You know we've had all kinds of problems in some of our past elections as you might remember. In 2000, our presidential election came down to one state where the brother of the man running for president was the governor of the state, so we have our problems, too."

Now, I’m thinking those who had a problem with her statement (of fact), must be suffering from an advanced case of political Alzheimer’s.  How else could they have forgotten??  How can we ever forget??  We must NEVER forget!!  What happened in the Presidential Election of 2000 will serve to mark it as the most historical Presidential election in American history.  As a black woman, experiencing the election of the first black President, I don’t tread lightly when I place the 2000 election as having the greater historical implication and more far-reaching political consequence, than even the election of the first black President in 2008.  In fact, it was most likely the results of the 2000 election that paved the way for the 2008 results.  For all those anti-Obama voters, who were witnessing with abject horror the inevitable march of a “black” man to the “White” House, I’m sure they were collectively hoping they had been caught in some nationwide TV hidden camera stunt.  Perhaps hoping they were being “Punked” by Ashton Kutcher.  Oh…wait, those folks aren’t hip enough to watch his show.  So, let’s use a more appropriate “bi-partisan”, cross-generational reference—“Candid Camera”.

Well, I think all of America knows what being duped feels like from witnessing in total “Candid Camera” induced disbelief, the 2000 Presidential election.  The involvement of the show “Candid Camera” would certainly explain all the absolute inexplicable weirdness, from start to finish, which marred the millennium election.  With the array of less than worthy contestants from the preliminary round all the way to the Finals, I remember often feeling like I had tuned in to see the Olympics, but somehow the programming was switched to the Special Olympics.  I coached Special Olympics, so sure, I rooted for them--accepted they were athletes giving the ultimate effort.  However, I knew no matter how hard I tried to accept this as a suitable substitute for the real Olympics; I just couldn’t shake my expectations.  I just couldn’t ignore the fact these “special” athletes all had certain....limitations.  I kept hoping it would switch back, so I could see the able-bodied Olympians compete, but sad to say, it never happened.  (Smile America, you’re on Candid Camera). 

The Candid Camera hi-jinx continued when the final choice was deciding between Al Gore and George Bush (with Ralph Nader and Pat Buchanan serving as Candid Camera “plants” to enhance the whacky shenanigans).  Now for me the choice is akin to deciding between Heckle and Jeckle.  You don’t really want to have either Heckle or Jeckle with their hand (or wing) hovering over the red button.  What happen to the great Presidential races of the past?  Qualified combatants, with compelling personas squaring off to battle for the political soul of a nation?  Presidential wars fought between such foes as Adams/Jefferson or Nixon/Kennedy.  Gore/Bush doesn’t even measure up to Nixon/McGovern.  It turns out the election was virtually a tie--Pres. Gush? Or Pres. Bore?  Okay, where did they put that camera?  I knew there was a hidden camera somewhere! 

Al Gore, barely won the popular vote, but how popular could he be when a sitting Vice President, riding the crest of an economic boom can’t even carry his own home state of Tennessee?  If he had won Tennessee, Heckle, instead of Jeckle would be president today.  It’s my opinion if you can’t carry your own state, you don’t deserve to win.  It’s like being on trial for murder and your own mother is called as a character witness.  She looks earnestly at the jury and says, “He did it, he was always a troublemaker”.  If I’m on the jury, I’m thinking, “A mama knows”.  Even in the 1968 Presidential election when Richard “call me Dick” Nixon trounced George McGovern, with McGovern only carried two states--at least one of them was his home state of South Dakota.  What Al Gore supporters didn’t understand is these elections can turn on a dime, what appears to be an insignificant misstep, even early on in the campaign, can be the difference between getting into the history books and getting to be the answer to a question on “Jeopardy”.  I think when Al Gore really lost the election was when he tried to match George Bush’s ability to speak Spanish.  George may not speak English very well, but for a gringo, he’s not bad with the “Espanol”.  On the other hand Al Gore sounded like he was mimicking the Taco Bell Chihuahua.  You just can’t do that and expect to be elected President.  Like I said, it seems minor, but someone should have told him to ditch the “bi” in “bi-lingual”.  Oh, and the whole thing about him having invented the Internet--wasn’t a “Presidential” move either.

So, Gore wins the popular vote, but George Bush is president.....hmm…how did that happen?  Oh I can still hear all you whining Al Gore supporters, “The candidate who wins the popular vote, should win the election.”  Well, usually that would happen, but in 2000, you should have read the omen written in the first six letters in the word “candidate”.  Ahh...do you see it now…c-a-n-d-i-d?  Yes--“candid”, as in “Candid Camera” and when “Candid Camera” is involved, kooky things are bound to happen.  So, Gore won the popular vote, but did not win the election.  Why not, you “Gore-ites” are still asking (in that annoying high pitched whiny loser’s voice)?  Was I the only one paying attention in Civics class?  Okay, post-election class is in session.  Note: This class attendance is reflective of the popular vote results, about 49 Gore supporters, 48 Bush supporters, 3 Nader supporter and no Buchanan supporters in the room, just some crazy guy, who occasionally yells something indistinguishable outside the classroom.  You know he’s a Buchanan supporter, because he has on a shirt that says “Neo-Nazis Do It with Swastikas”.

Let’s begin.  In order to win a Presidential election, you have to win the “Electoral College” vote.  No, the popular vote and the Electoral College vote are not the same, but usually they come out with the same result.  I said usually, but this time George Bush won the Electoral College, barely.  No, the Electoral College is not a real college--you don’t have to attend any classes.  Yes, Al Gore supporter, that does sounds like a college that Bush would excel at (the rest of the “Gore-ites” laugh uproariously at this obvious dig at Bush’s intelligence.  “Bush-ites”, either don’t think it’s funny or they don’t get the joke.)  Settle down, come on, “Gore-ites”, if you would just quiet down, so that I can continue with my presentation, I’d appreciate it.  Thank you.  Now the popular vote is the number of total votes cast for a candidate, but the Electoral College vote is based on the number of each state’s election districts, which are based on the census count registered by each state.  Yes, George Bush supporter, the census count would be the population of the state (“Gore-ites” give mock applause for the “Bush-ite” stating the obvious, the “Bush-ite” beams proudly, totally unaware of their apparent insincerity).  As I was saying, each “election district” is represented by a member of the House of Representatives, so a state’s total Electoral College votes would be the number of House of Representatives it has, plus two votes for each of the state’s two Senators.  So, a large populated state, like my home state of California......yes, “Gore-ite”, I know Al Gore carried Calif., but next time you have something to add to the discussion please raise your hand.  As I was saying, California has the most members of the House of Representatives 52 and thus 54 total Electoral College votes.  There are a total of 538 Electoral College votes nation-wide and it takes 270 electoral votes to win the Presidency.  Are you with me so far?  Good. 

In all but two states, Nebraska and Maine--its winner takes all.  This means the candidate who wins the popular vote in the state wins all of the state’s Electoral College votes.  Nebraska and Maine use proportional allocation, based on the number of actual election districts that each candidate wins.  This, I believe is infinitely fairer and much more representative of the people’s wishes and if implemented nationwide the popular vote would be very closely aligned with the Electoral College vote.  Also, this change would force the candidates to give an earnest effort to campaign in every state, not just the states with the most Electoral College votes or those states considered “swing” states.  No need to go into what a “swing” state is, because I can see some of you are falling asleep in my class.  I’m assuming those who are nodding off to be “Bush-ites”, because I would think “Gore-ites” would be use to maintaining their attentiveness through far more boring presentations than this.  I once tried to listen to Al Gore speak on the environment, a subject that he is known to be quite passionate about and less than five minutes into it, I felt like an elephant that had just been shot down by a tranquilizer gun--I was out like a light.  Yes, Bush supporter, I bet you could use tapes of Al Gore’s speeches as a natural sleep aid (“Bush-ites” are all awake and laughing and who says Republicans don’t have a sense of humor?)  Okay, class, let me wrap this lesson up.  The presidential election becomes official after all the states select Electoral College delegates to cast  that state’s electoral college votes in the House of Representatives for the candidate who won that states votes.  Again, the candidate who wins 270 of the Electoral College votes is elected to be the next President of the United always that kid in school that had to show the rest of the kids exactly how much smarter she was than them.  I apologize, I thought I had outgrown that.....sorry.

So, George Bush lost the popular vote on election night, but “seem” to win enough Electoral College votes to be the President, by winning the last state to be contested, Florida.  Yes, Florida, the state where his brother Jeb was the governor (see Hillary Clinton comment above).  You noticed that I said “seem” to win, because according to the news reporting agencies we rely upon to give us accurate facts--not speculation from “exit polls”, first projected Al Gore had won Florida.  A little later, it was too close to call. Then they declared Bush the winner in Florida and thus the next President of the US.  I don't know if any of you knew this, but it made him a part of only the second time in history both a father and a son had been President--John and John Quincy Adams being the first.  Okay, which of States.  However, the delegates are not bound by law to cast their vote according to this criterion, only by tradition and tradition is generally adhered to.  I know I didn’t even have to mentioned that last little bit, but I was you "Gore-ites" just called me "smarty pants"?  Would you like some cheese with that whine??  I don't write the history, I just regurgitate it!  Yes, I said "regurgitate"--something many of you "Gore-ites" felt like doing every time you heard "Hail to the Chief" being played for President BUSH!! ("Bush-ites" are hooting and hollering at my harsh admonishment of the "Gore-ites". The "Gore-ites" loudly unrepentant--retort in unison.)  "YOU MEAN "HAIL TO THE THIEF"!!  Just as it looks like this class session could turn into a scene from the movie, "Animal House", the lone Buchanan supporter screams from the hallway--"Pat should be President, cuz there's never been a President Buchanan".  Everyone is suddenly transfixed in "jaw-dropping" silence.  It's amazing how the shocking sound of ignorance can restore sanity.  O-Okay, class, um...why don't we just...uh...just watch this Candid Camera set up develop.  Gore, now thinking he's lost, calls Bush to concede the election and then an hour later calls back and rescinds the concession, because now the news agencies are saying it is still too close to call.  Hey “W”, smile, you're on Candid Camera.  Oh, what sidesplitting laughter that stunt generated.  With Bush’s margin of victory being only a matter of a couple of thousand votes, the Florida election is mandated by law to an automatic recount.  Candid Camera is looking for a big gag pay-off, by upping the stakes now.  Whoever wins Florida--Bush or Gore, would be the next President.  Poor Governor Jeb--couldn’t even deliver his state--outright to his brother on election night.  I remember thinking if George had lost the recount, you can bet Jeb would have been spending all the family holidays eating at the little kid's table—not the making of a “Kodak” moment for "Big” Jeb.

Okay, back to the subject at hand.  Does anyone remember why there was so much trouble with the voting in Florida?  Okay--you, wearing the tweed jacket with the elbow patches and the comfortable shoes.  “Well, if you notice the state of Florida is shaped like a penis, so the voters down there must be dickheads, how else would you explain them voting for either Tweedle Dee or Tweedle Dum?”  (Both “Bush-ites” and “Gore-ites” look around at each other, stunned.)  Oh, you must be a Ralph Nader supporter; I should have recognized you by the jacket and yes, the shoes.  No, that’s not the reason, but it was pretty funny.....well, it was! (I look at the “Bush-ites” and “Gore-ites”, who obviously don’t share my sense of humor.  I, nervously clear my throat.)  Anyway, it is alleged several counties in South Florida, generally a Democratic strong hold, had some voting irregularities resulting in Gore losing crucial votes which might have swung enough votes his way for him to win Florida and thus the Presidency.  At the center of the controversy was a confusing “butterfly” ballot.  (A garbled voice is heard from outside the classroom)  “I bet if that ballot had been a lottery ticket, those foreigners would have known which hole to punch.”  Everyone just looks at each other shaking their heads at the madness that Pat Buchanan seems to bring out in his supporters.

I continue, whatever, the reason for the irregularities, the votes had to be recounted and re-recounted and then they started an interpretive re-re-recount.  This is where everyone looks annoyingly at the one guy in the room, who had earlier introduced himself as Chad.  Ah, yes, the infamous “Chad”.  Chads, Chads--everywhere.  There were plain Chads and hanging Chads and pregnant Chads.  In fact, all the talk shows were trying to get the pregnant Chad to come on their show and confront the person who knocked him up.  Any association with the name Chad become so heinous, the African country of Chad, was thinking about changing its name to Larry.  The whole nation was getting pretty testy with the delay and the Republicans just wanted the Chads to go away.  At one point Republicans became so incensed a group of men tried to storm the place where the recount was taking place and stop the process.  What a sight, a pack of middle-aged, straight-laced, white men participating in civil disobedience (“Bush-ites” high five each other).  Why, they were so upset, you would have thought all the department stores had run out of those shirts with the little alligator on them (“Gore-ites” high five each other). 

It must have cost “Candid Camera” a mint to arrange such an elaborate stunt and just when you thought you couldn’t laugh any more or any harder, the courts get involved and you know how funny jurisprudence can be!  Especially when the “High Court” is called upon to be the final arbiter--we’re talking “Hi-larious”!  Those Supreme Court “jesters” are a sitcom waiting to happen!  The decision they rendered would be laughable, except for its implication and revelation that justice may be blind, but it’s definitely not nonpartisan.  The Supreme Court decision was so arbitrary that it would be comparable to Bud Selig, the Commissioner of Baseball, coming out of the stands onto the playing field, during the seventh game of the World Series and declaring the World Series was over in the top of the ninth inning, because the Yankees were down by a run and the heart of the line-up was due up in the bottom of the ninth and he doesn’t think it’s fair to give them a chance to win the game/series in the bottom of the ninth, because they’ve won too many World Series and he thinks it would be better for baseball to have a team from the National League win.  Oh and the National League team, he wants to win, just happens to be the Milwaukee Brewers, the team he use to own.  Brewers win....Bush wins.....and Candid Camera wins, but the “Gore-ites” are not smiling.

So, George W. became the president and America spent the next eight years searching desperately for the hidden camera, as there was no other reasonable or plausible explanation for so many of the things he said or the policies he endorsed.  Since he had given up drinking, we couldn’t blame it on alcohol use.  Although, I’m sure there were many times Americans wondered aloud—“is he drunk or just stupid”.  “Stupid” like when he said he was going to be the education President.  He, who dubbed himself--“The Decider”, touting education--now that’s a sure fire premise for a hidden camera stunt to generate maximum guffaws!  Shouldn’t he have thought about the benefits of education when he was a freshman at Yale when his blood alcohol level was most likely consistently higher than his GPA?  I think this guy obviously missed a lot of English grammar classes.  If you notice that sometimes after making a language screw-up, he would have a look on his face like he was thinking, “Damn this language is hard.  Why do verbs have to be conjugated anyway?  Past tense, present tense, past present, who can remember this stuff?”  And America continued to search…looking everywhere to find that damn camera—maybe it was with our civil liberties, which seemed to have been similarly hidden for those eight years.  It just had to be somewhere.  Could it be nonexistent—like “WMDs”?  Nah—it’s gotta be here somewhere.  All the while to keep us from going bonkers and losing our sanity, we had to just listen to that inner voice that kept telling us—we’re going to hear it…I know we’re going to hear it—any minute and then it will be all over and we’ll feel duped, but it’ll be over and we will watch ourselves on tape and laugh.  Any minute—any minute now....come on—somebody say it…SAY IT!!!  But we never heard it—we never heard, “Smile—you’re on Candid Camera”.  But we did find things to laugh at—we had to.  Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.  I mean you notice how much funnier Al Gore became after the election than he ever had been when he was Vice President?  Okay—okay…relatively funny.

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