We humans spend most of our time driving ourselves crazy trying to maintain our sanity. Crazy people don’t waste the energy with the pretext, which gives them far more leisure time to play golf.

If you’re going to try to pull the wool over someone’s eyes, make sure you don’t let them see you searing the sheep.

I’ve survived having cancer and being an accountant--cancer was easier.

For security purposes at airports you now have to take off your shoes, because of the guy who attempted to blow up a plane, by lighting a bomb in his shoe. I think women should be exempt from that profile, because I don't care how crazy a woman is, she's not going to sacrifice a good pair of shoes just to blow up a plane. It’s just not our nature.

Ex-Calif. governor, Gray Davis admitted that he has a 'boring personality'. Boring? He’s beyond boring. He makes Al Gore look like the rapper Eminem

It’s hard talking to ugly people. Have you ever tried talking to someone so ugly that they made you lose your concentration?

Americans are obsessed with dieting. A friend of mine thought that having an 'out of body experience' was a weight-loss program.

George Bush partied hard when he was in college. I'm sure every semester his blood alcohol level was higher than his GPA.

Do women need a whole supermarket aisle of feminine hygiene products? There are more of these products on supermarket shelves than there are breakfast cereals and breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Family reunions is that time when you come face to face with your family tree and realize... some branches need to be cut.

Most Americans don’t vote, because they’re ‘PC’--Politically Clueless. They think that a ‘veto’ is an Italian sports car; that ‘bipartisan' is a psychiatric disorder and a ‘mandate’ is something that you will not see accompanying K.D. Lang to the Grammy’s.

Some people might think that comedy and cancer is an oxymoron, like quiet storm or an accountant with personality or George Bush, English Professor.

I belong to an HMO and when I first complained of symptoms that eventually turned out to be lung cancer, my doctor insisted that it was heartburn. With that kind of accurate medical deductive reasoning, he probably would have diagnosed symptoms of a brain tumor, as just a bad hair day. ‘Headache...no, I’m pretty sure it’s hairstyle’.

When Jessie Ventura was governor, a friend of mine from Minnesota sent me a T-shirt adorned with a picture of Jessie Ventura that read ‘Our Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor’. I’m from California and then our governor was Gray Davis. If you know what he looks like, you know that feat wouldn’t be something to brag about, because an asthmatic Girl Scout coul have beat up our governor.

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